Control Bread Before It's Too Late
This originally appeared on Usenet News.
Subject: Biggest health hazard in America -- Proof!!
In the course of some research I was astonished and appalled to come
across evidence of a major factor in American mortality rates. This
preventable cause of death is being completely ignored by the
authorities so far, and I appeal to all the good people in this
newsgroup to help me in fighting this insidious addictive killer by
passing on this health warning to everybody you know!
Important warnings for those who have been drawn
unsuspectingly into the use of bread:
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread
- More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole
- More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
Thank you for your cooperation.
- No sale of bread to minors.
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity
TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300% federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal
to children) should be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of "bread-free" zones around schools.
Alex W. -- concerned citizen
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